Three years ago today...

I lost my mother...and I miss her still so very, very much. She was my father's mother, but stepped into the "mother" role the day I came home from the hospital as a wee baby. She was loving and creative and had the softest hands and the sweetest smile. I remember the difficult things too, she was a super-worrier and had a tendency to smother - but all of these were born out of a level of devotion to her children that was unbelievable. I feel I owe my current life {in scrapbooking as well as everything else} to her...She threw herself into the role of Camp Fire Girl leader zealously and gave me an arts & crafts background that was unparalleled in my age group. She encouraged me in all the arts, painting, drawing, mixed media, photography {we even had a darkroom in the house}, pottery, doll making, singing, acting, creative writing, cooking - you name it, we did it! She had me competing in the arts from an early age - it actually led me to scrapbooking. When I was 8 {1979} I competed for the first time in the Jr. Chef of Dallas competition - we had to make a scrapbook cookbook as part of the competition {my first one}. On the surface I was a "perfect child", but she dealt with my down times, putting me back together through a childhood of chronic migraines and being stunningly unpopular & kind of a loner. I was awkwardly tall, "matured" early {you know what I mean}, played bridge, read a lot and got along much better with adults than children. She held me when I cried and stroked my hair with her fingers and somehow it all melted away. I lost her to congestive heart failure three years ago. I was dying of it myself at the time and watching her go through that scared me to death. There have been so many things I wish she could've seen {although I know she has} - the success I feel like I've finally achieved, Amy & Meg in high school {they're not children anymore} and most of all I wish she could've seen my transformation after I've gotten the pacemaker and how radically it has changed my life. I dream about her all the time and when I wake I desperately cling to the memory of her voice, her touch, her smell...I have worn her favorite night gown to shreds - I put it on whenever I want to feel close to her. I have a real problem facing the cemetery and am ashamed to admit I have only been able to bring myself to visit her three times there...I will celebrate her life at home today, in my heart. I love you mom and miss you so...