Sunday, October 15, 2006

Three years ago today...

I lost my mother...and I miss her still so very, very much. She was my father's mother, but stepped into the "mother" role the day I came home from the hospital as a wee baby. She was loving and creative and had the softest hands and the sweetest smile. I remember the difficult things too, she was a super-worrier and had a tendency to smother - but all of these were born out of a level of devotion to her children that was unbelievable. I feel I owe my current life {in scrapbooking as well as everything else} to her...She threw herself into the role of Camp Fire Girl leader zealously and gave me an arts & crafts background that was unparalleled in my age group. She encouraged me in all the arts, painting, drawing, mixed media, photography {we even had a darkroom in the house}, pottery, doll making, singing, acting, creative writing, cooking - you name it, we did it! She had me competing in the arts from an early age - it actually led me to scrapbooking. When I was 8 {1979} I competed for the first time in the Jr. Chef of Dallas competition - we had to make a scrapbook cookbook as part of the competition {my first one}. On the surface I was a "perfect child", but she dealt with my down times, putting me back together through a childhood of chronic migraines and being stunningly unpopular & kind of a loner. I was awkwardly tall, "matured" early {you know what I mean}, played bridge, read a lot and got along much better with adults than children. She held me when I cried and stroked my hair with her fingers and somehow it all melted away. I lost her to congestive heart failure three years ago. I was dying of it myself at the time and watching her go through that scared me to death. There have been so many things I wish she could've seen {although I know she has} - the success I feel like I've finally achieved, Amy & Meg in high school {they're not children anymore} and most of all I wish she could've seen my transformation after I've gotten the pacemaker and how radically it has changed my life. I dream about her all the time and when I wake I desperately cling to the memory of her voice, her touch, her smell...I have worn her favorite night gown to shreds - I put it on whenever I want to feel close to her. I have a real problem facing the cemetery and am ashamed to admit I have only been able to bring myself to visit her three times there...I will celebrate her life at home today, in my heart. I love you mom and miss you so...

5 Comments:

Anonymous Laura Stoller said...

You were always the incredible person that you are today, and I am glad that she was able to see that at an age when others didn't appreciate it. I love you Em, I am so sorry.

1:25 PM  
Blogger Debbi said...

What a beautiful tribute.....thank you so much for sharing with all of us.

2:58 PM  
Anonymous Jane Hasty said...

I'm thinking about you Em-sending you a huge double hug! And here's to Mom!

9:41 PM  
Anonymous Becky said...

What a beautiful tribute to her...thinking of you!

12:30 AM  
Anonymous Anonymous said...

Em ((hugs))

Grand Alma was amazing. She always knew just what to say to us and the kids. Nikki still has the doll yall made, it is up on her shelf.

I understand the whole cemetary thing. It just passed 9 year since I lost my mom, I have also only been there 3 times. I attribute it to distance, but really, it is just too hard and too sad.

kim

ps..my word verification is "whufoano"

8:20 PM  

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